More Signs Of Old Age.

• You are awoken from a solitary peaceful afternoon nap, by enthusiastic help-the-aged volunteers, who insist that you are lonely and press you to accompany them to a happy - clappy rave, for tea and biscuits.
• Your contemporaries grinningly greet you by saying: -"Hello young man. "
• What remains of your taste buds, demand stronger, more pungent food, so that they can at least experience something during a refuelling session.
• To label you Thick Skinned, would be a misnomer. The layer in question, is as fragile as gossamer wings and tears even more easily. 
• You are unable to hear much, because you're deaf as a post. However, you refuse to wear a hearing aid, on the grounds that it will make you look ancient.
• You are against modern replica medical aids, which is why the set of false teeth that you sport, was reputedly part of a job lot obtained from the Waterloo battlefields.
• If you have to provide a meal for guests at home, you pretend that you are not hungry and then serve them with some bread and cheese, carefully scraping off any mould from the latter.
• If in hunger and desperation, they then take you out for a meal, you eat a hearty three and a half courses and wash it all down with a bottle of claret.  
• It is your attempt to help save the Rain Forests and not meanness, that is the reason you no longer send any Christmas cards.
• Your all time TV heroes were Jack Benny and Phil Silvers. 
• Whilst driving, you are so slow, that when entering a 30 mph area, you have to speed up to get anywhere near that number.
• Having done so, you get so wildly excited, that you experience an adrenaline dawdle.