Tuesday 29 September 2015

A Bum Outcome.

At the A&E department of a local hospital yesterday, surgeons were called to operate to remove a dead rat from the rectum of a male patient, who was gay.

One can only wonder what they thought, as they carried out this unusual task. 

Under hospital regulations, they were required to report the matter to the police.

The crime in question? Cruelty to animals. 

Monday 14 September 2015

More Signs Of Old Age.

  • You are awoken from a solitary peaceful afternoon nap, by enthusiastic help-the-aged volunteers, who insist that you are lonely and press you to accompany them to a happy - clappy rave, for tea and biscuits.
  • Your contemporaries grinningly greet you by saying: -"Hello young man. "
  • What remains of your taste buds, demand stronger, more pungent food, so that they can at least experience something during a refuelling session.
  • To label you Thick Skinned, would be a misnomer. The layer in question, is as fragile as gossamer wings and tears even more easily. 
  • You are unable to hear much, because you're deaf as a post. However, you refuse to wear a hearing aid, on the grounds that it will make you look ancient.
  • You are against modern replica medical aids, which is why the set of false teeth that you sport, was reputedly part of a job lot obtained from the Waterloo battlefields.
  • If you have to provide a meal for guests at home, you pretend that you are not hungry and then serve them with some bread and cheese, carefully scraping off any mould from the latter.
  • If in hunger and desperation, they then take you out for a meal, you eat a hearty three and a half courses and wash it all down with a bottle of claret.  
  • It is your attempt to help save the Rain Forests and not meanness, that is the reason you no longer send any Christmas cards.
  • Your all time TV heroes were Jack Benny and Phil Silvers. 
  • Whilst driving, you are so slow, that when entering a 30 mph area, you have to speed up to get anywhere near that number.
  • Having done so, you get so wildly excited, that you experience an adrenaline dawdle.