A Fan - (Gym Sips 16)

It was hot in the gym today and a chap on one of the exercise bikes, had disabled the ceiling fan swing, so that all the cool air was directed at him.

Arriving on the next cycle, I asked whether we could share the fan.

He indicated, (not at all politely,) that he did not wish to share.

I said "OK" and directed the fan fully at myself.

He looked bewildered and annoyed, but said nothing.

How cool was I.

Ignoring The Rules. (Gym Slips 13)

A Dad and his two small sons were in the swimming pool early today. They were hotel guests and it was immediately obvious, that the father was of the opinion that his two children could do what ever they liked and that the clearly posted rules did not apply to him or his.

However, when one small lad went into the jacuzzi, one brave lady swimmer, told him that as he was under 14 years old, he was not allowed to do that. The father made a lot of noise about it, but she stuck firmly to her guns and said emphatically that "Rules were rules," and that they were there because of health and safety regulations.

The two small boys then started dive bomb jumping into the pool, splashing and discomforting another middle aged lady swimmer. She also told them this too was against the rules.

This was too much for the father, who let loose a tirade about how jumping into the pool was not mentioned in the rules, even though it was mentioned clearly on the nearby list in big letters. He was so angry, that I thought for a moment he was going to lash out. Luckily, one of the members of staff, arrived and also told the boys that jumping was prohibited.

I was really impressed with the two ladies who stuck up for what is right; no easy task in these days, when many people seem unable to be corrected without returning abuse and even violence. The incident did however, put paid to any enjoyment of their morning swim.

The man in question was teaching his children, that rules are meant to be ignored or bent and in doing so he was helping to propagate the trend towards a bent society. 

Audio Mismatches. (Gym Slips 12.)

They play canned music at the gym. Mostly it is loud. That's often the way in gyms.

But the management knows, that because their client base ranges in age from 16 to about 90, not everybody appreciates high decibel disco, so thoughtfully they have provided a period between 10:00 to 14:00 where the music is played very quietly or even, is off altogether. (Heavenly.)

You would have thought that the members themselves would accept this and fit in with the scheme, as dictated by their personal preferences.

Not a bit of it. One elderly lady will always try to get the music switched off, even outside the quiet period. She refuses to wear ear protectors and she does not care that other user's wish for and are within their rights to listen to some inspirational sound, while pumping iron and heart muscles.

Another chap just can't get enough volume. He does not ask to ramp up the volume, he just opens up the control box cabinet and ups the level himself, if none of the attendants are nearby.

Many people use their own headsets to listen to their own music on phones and iPod's,  whilst others use them to listen to the TV programs available on the screens attached to the exercise machines. If the ambient sound in the gym is too high, they often find it difficult to hear these other sounds.

It is hard to satisfy everyone. That is the sound-bite for today.

No Room At The Gym. (Gym Slips 11)

The dry changing room at the gym is fairly small and although there are some lockers, there are not a lot of pegs for hanging clothes.

This being the case, I was astounded, (I think the word is not an exaggeration,) to see one chap arrive and use seven different pegs for his apparel, one peg for each item of clothing, except for his socks, which shared a peg.

Whether this was a display of total disregard for the convenience of others, or lateral vision gone mad, I could not be sure.

When someone behaves like this, it colours your view of them henceforth. 

Showers For The Three Bears.

There are three shower cubicles in one of the changing rooms at the gym.

 

• The first shower is at high pressure and is far too hot.
• The second shower is tepid and counts as being too cold.
• The third shower is just right, but you can never get into it.

 

Everybody knows the characteristics and makes for number three.

 

I'm not sure who did the pumbing, but it was surely done in-house.

Rare Coins. (Gym Slips 10.)

The changing rooms lockers in the gym, have those slot machines which take a pound coin when you use them. This is reunited with you when you return the key on opening the locker again.

In the past, it was amazing just how many people forgot to take up their pound coin again, before leaving the changing room. I have often forgotten a coin myself, but have made up for the loss with another coin from some forgetful user on a subsequent visit.

However, in these times of monetary recession, it is noticeable that even with such small sums as these, people are a lot more careful than they used to be. Now it is very seldom that any money is to be found lying around in the locker slots. If you forget your own, you will be definitely out of pocket.

Lardies In The Gym. (Gym Slips 9)

Enorma and Tubitha (not their real names,) are large ladies in that peculiarly British fashion. They are about 40 years old, but somewhere in the lost decade since they were thirty, things have gone badly out of control and their body size has ballooned, until they both resemble huge roly-poly silk worm cocoons, complete with external bingo-wing appendages. This of course, is not a healthy state of affairs and it is to their credit that they have decided to do something about it.

 

That something is a spot of hard exercise in the gym. This is day one and undaunted they are struggling to mount the treadmills.

 

Editor's note: I was going to continue this sketch with some panted dialogue between these new exercisers, but unfortunately they stopped coming to the gym. That was a pity, because they talked a lot about someone called  "Skelly," who was it seems, very slim and was therefore a person that they loved to find fault with. It was also a pity because their good intentions apparently vanished.

He went bananas. (Gym slips 8.)

A new chap started to attend the gym a couple of weeks ago at about lunch time.

He did a good long workout and sweated himself until he looked dehydrated.

We asked him if he was going for lunch and he affirmed that yes, he was going to eat a banana.

A banana! One single banana.

Well, we saw him persist for the next three days. He stuck to a designated single banana for his lunch.

We imagined he looked somewhat weaker as each day past.

After that we never saw him again.

I like to imagine him down at "Kentucky Fried Chicken" licking his fingers and looking a lot stronger.

Gym Slips (6)

The "Summer Brides" season is just about over at the gym. This is the time when a number of new lady members suddenly arrive on the scene and spend weeks in earnest and persistent exercise, as they tone their figures for their forthcoming weddings.

In some cases they hire the services of a fitness instructor. As these charge about £30 per hour, it gives you some idea how seriously the pursuit of a better shape is taken. As a result of these endeavours, most brides-to-be look far better than when they arrived and in a few cases they appear unrecognisably different.

Then they disappear, presumably to get married and live happily ever after. But just occasionally they reappear. Typically a couple of years will have gone by and a baby has been produced and nurtured. Now the battle begins again. It is hard work to get your figure back when you are an "Autumn Mum." I admire their tenacity.

Gym Slips (5)

An overweight young chap was exercising in the gym this morning. He does not wear socks and is famous for foot odour. As he squelched his way through 40 minutes of cross trainer motion, his feet emitted little puffs of pong-laden dingleberries. It was like those adverts for sprays of aerosol toilet air fresheners, but with a reverse effect.
I'm not normally fastidious about smells, but this was too prime for me. I just could not stay in the vicinity and everyone else also moved away. The smell of that famous rotting fungus is nothing compared to the sickening stench of his feet.
We would all benefit if he could be told about this. It is not that we are craven cowards, but rather that none of us can get near enough to deliver advice on foot hygiene.

Gym Slips (4)

The maintenance manager at the gym was telling me about his distaste about having to do the annual cleaning of the Jacuzzi pump.

"You would not be able to imagine some of the things we find in there," were his words, said with a grimace.

That night I tried to think just what those things could be. I came up with hair and nail clippings, but was unable to think of more.

I did not sleep well - things - the essence of nightmares.

Gym Slips (3)

In the changing room we were trying to match unknown employment to known faces.

We got Commando right and also Accountant.

Our "Architect" was in fact a Doctor; our "Farmer" a Policeman.

For me, they guessed Vicar.

Mild and good hearted?

You just never can tell from a face.

Gym Slips (2).

I envy those people who are able to run on a treadmill and listen to music on their iPod at the same time.
Alas, having been subjected to constant media suggestions that males are too stupid to do two things at the same time, or "Multi-Task" as they call it, I have never got round to attempting it.
As I don't have an iPod, the best I can do is walk gently on the track.

Gym Slips (1).

Of late, a number of ladies have entered the gents changing room at our gym.

They always say - "Ooops, sorry!" They avow that it was a mistake on their part.

I believe it fair to say, that the men using the changing room, have been slightly more nervous than usual. They look visibly worried each time the door opens.

Last week our oldest member, ( both literally and physically,) took drastic action.

He dropped his towel before an intruder and in a voice that implied a challenge, intoned -

"I bet you've seen a lot worse in your time!"

Space transgressions have dramatically declined.